S(he), (Wo)man

A few days ago I accepted a ride from a gay man trying to pick me up. I was in the middle of a sketchier section of suburbia. It was night two of a three day party/clubbing weekend. Exhausted, at 3am, a man in a red car pulled up beside me and rolled down the window. He wanted the young man he saw before him.

In the middle of nowhere, at night, with my back to him, he thought I was a man. O.K. I get it. I'm exceptionally tall, I don't slouch, my hair is short, I was wearing a man's shirt and tight jeans. I swagger when I walk. All this without attempting to pass.

Here's where some of the confusion lies: I bind my chest with a tri-top, I wear a leather harness, pack and use it. I go by a male name.

The kicker: None of these things makes me a transgendered person, transitioning or otherwise. It certainly doesn't transform me into a gay male. Personally, I don't see how I "pass", especially without attempting to. I even enjoy being mistaken for a "sir", so long as this is the exception (or at most 50/50), not the rule.

I want my gender to be a question for others. ...even though my sex is not - I am female-bodied, I have previously and still to a great extent (though "stone", sexually, is calling my name) f*** like a woman. I don't tell people what to call me - he, she, it, they, whatever. Each are just referents to me, they are meaningless, short form third-person identifiers for the purpose of communicating not gender, but identity. "He got a salad" --> "Who got a salad?" --> the answer is not "male", but the name of the individual. Same goes for "she" or "they". The question is not what, but who?

Now, none of this is much of a problem, except when it comes to interacting with queer women for the purposes of hooking-up/dating etc. - many peg me as in transition. Which leaves me wondering, how many dismissed me as a viable partner/option because they mistook my gender identity? What do I do to correct this? Can I?

Back to the ride home.

I made it back safely. He tried to kiss me. I pushed his face away. He clearly never knew. How many others don't?